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Art History * Zen * Life Essay

An Essay Expressing Who I am And What I Believe In

(Between the Universe and Man)


Well. Where to start. My desire to create a home page is to explain to the world more about me, to express in some ways my views and desires, and to let people know what my interests and hobbies are.

I am a 18 year old female born and raised in Seattle. I have lived in the same house my whole life, and I have lived in the same neighborhood my whole life. So monotony is the key, but I haven't minded it, and it is what I have come to know and miss. I have a mother, father, older sister (22), and a cat. I am currently attending Washington State University, sadly a party college in the little town of Pullman, Washington. Let's just say that I don't get out much.

My interests are heavily in music, art/architectural history, some sci-fi books, going to concerts, hanging out at indie record stores, shopping on Broadway/being on Broadway in Seattle, looking at the beauty of nature, listening to music, discovering new music, vinyl, finding solace in silence, and of course many other things. My music interests are mainly emo, hardcore, some crust/grind, punk, folk, instrumental bands, rock, indie, and some techno.

(No, that tattoo is not on my back.)

Although many call it a label, I identify myself as sXe (straightedge). If you don't know what that is, look at the links below for answers. I have believed for a long time that I did not want to personally consume alcohol, drugs, smoke, and that I wanted to remain abstinant. Being sXe obviously fits this model of what I believe in, and I identify with it. I do agree to some extent that it is only a label, and I have taken it on myself. I also believe though that it is much more than a label, it is also a about self-preservation, personal responsibility, and a lifetime commitment to lead a healthy and clean lifestyle. It is something that I strongly believe in, and so do numerous others. It is a personal choice that I have pretty much always made, and not something that was forced on me. My conception of it grows with time, and being at college has given me a chance to meet a lot more sXe kids, which is cool. I am not vegetarian, but I am seriously considering it. I do not judge people if they choose a lifestyle that is different than mine. I respect people for who they are, and I just ask that people be responsible, and many people are. I love my friends and family, and respect them for the people they are and not necessarily mistakes they have made. I like and love them for who they are. (Although I have lost many friends I once had in high school, I still care about them and consinder them dear friends).

For me, it is sometimes hard for me to describe to people the type of person that I am. I feel that I am a strong person deep down, but I have struggled to find self-acceptance wholly over the years. I am trying and working. I feel that I am a strong and independent minded female who believes strongly in many things. I am conservative in some rights, and in many other ways very liberal. These are two extremes that I feel that I possess, and that there is no real balance between the two. My conservative nature comes from me being raised in the church, and holding those values with me. I am also liberal in that I do not necessarily agree with all of the churches teachings, and I have found my own interpretations of them. This is not to say that I dislike the church. I think that it is important to question one's religion. I have and I do not feel guilty about it. Some people believe that you cannot be sXe and religious, but I tend to disagree. I know that some think that organized religion is the stain of the world, but I believe that is selfish for us as humans to think that we can walk this life alone and not believe in a higher power of some sort and rely and trust in that. I am not going to get into that. It is all that I known, and some would say that religion has been fed to me. It is how I was brought up, and something that I believe in. I am just sort of unsure about my place in it these days. My more conservative views include being pro-life, anti-dealth penalty, and anti-gun (pro-gun control). My more liberal side is also a side that is a large part of who I am, and I think that this stems from that I like to think a lot about things and the world around me. I believe in volunteerism and its values, and I have done it for a few years. Some of my more liberal views are that I am against the US sanctions of Iraq, wish debt relief for poor countries, anti-corporate power and consildation and how it is "taking over the world" (look at the WTO, they have more power than the US govt). I do not want cloning, and all of this mergermania I am against, and frankly, I am scared by how much corporate power there is in the world today. I am against racism and homophobia. I also believe in women's rights, and I am a strong feminist at heart. I also feel that politicians today also do not neccesarily discuss the most pressing issues of today and try to skurt around them without dealing with them. So, there is also this "rebel" side to me that I have always had. Some characteristics about myself I believe are that I am sweet, understanding, have a good sense of humour, and that I have wisdom.

I am not just all deep thinking. I do however, like to write poetry, and it is usually not happy stuff. Unless I write it for someone generally. Poetry for me is a way of expressing my deepest emotions, and it is intensely personally to me. I have only read my poetry publically once, and I share it only with select or few people. You will be lucky if I share it with you. I have a fair amount of poems, but nothing to make an anthology or anything. I write free-form poetry. I have also attempted at writing some short stories and novels, but to no avail. I am also going to pick up guitar sometime in the near future.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Some of my favorite books are 2001: A Space Odyssey, 2010: Odyssey Two, The Neverending Story, Walden, and 1984. My all-time favorite movie is Gattaca. One of my current favorite movies is Edge of Quarrel. My favorite colors are red and black. My favorite food is spaghetti. I have a sweet tooth. Some of my favorite bands include: Smashing Pumpkins, NIN, Wheat, Beth Orton, Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Juno, Sunny Day Real Estate, U2, Underworld, Ani Difranco, Red Stars Theory, Waxwing, Elliott Smith, Roni Size, the Verve, Botch, Locust, Dillinger Escape Plan, Bjork, Hendrix, The Doors, Pink Floyd, Mogwai, The Get Up Kids, Mineral, Radiohead, Spiritualized, My Bloody Valentine, 764-HERO, Pedro the Lion, Bright Eyes, Tool, the Smiths, the Clash, Tori Amos, and so many more.

The Future

(Just a girl pondering her future under the stars)

I see the future for me as one where I am hopefully following my dreams, and being successful in my life. I have dreamed since I was 15 to work in the audio engineering field, or otherwise known as the field of audio. I would also like to own and run my own independent record label. I just hope overall that I can work somewhere in music, and have it be a part of my life for the rest of my life. Music is my passion. It is important to me, that is with out question.

I just hope that wherever life takes me that I will be over to overcome obstacles I face, find solace, and find true peace and happiness from within.